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A Love Letter to my Love

The old saying says that time heals all wounds... Well, as I sit here anxiously watching the clock and dreading the hours to come, it's proof that is a lie. Three years and I still mourn your death as the day it

happened. How could time heal anything when it robbed me of my forever? Time was not on our side! Had it been, you'd still be here; you'd be here aggravating me every second, watching your beautiful boys grow, and planning something with 'your best friend' like the "good ole boys." But, you're not, you're gone... That's a harsh reality I sought to dispel. Did you know I waited for you? I convinced myself that you were not truly gone but in a witness protection program and would come back to us within 'time.' I longed, I prayed, I wished but it never happened. Jimmy, it's like when you died so did I. The moments and parts of that tried to live, I worked overtime to kill! Having to see you lowered into the ground was like watching my soul be depleted piece by piece. The pictures and memories were not enough to suffice. Guilt had become me. I had gotten so good at putting on this facade and smiling when I was supposed to while on the inside I was crying out. Though you battled nightmares of premature death or placed yourself in some not so favorable scenarios, I never truly considered what my life would be without you.     From the moment I laid eyes on you at 13, it was almost like love at first sight. Your smile so enchanting, spirit bruised but beating on, and your pure heart was most captivating. You were so full of life no matter the plight you constantly had to fight. Though I loved you almost immediately, I had no idea how fast we'd soon progress. You taught me so much! You showed me life through a different lens, and shed light on the many facets of myself. You were undeniably the only one who could make me fall madly in love with you in an instance and then turn around and make me hate the ground you walked on, lol, the next. There were many times I couldn't quite understand us or the foolishness we'd succumb to, but the one constant there was no overlooking--it was the love. It anchored us no matter how dark or crazy things got. It was so contagious and fiery that it literally appeared as fireworks when attempted to contain. Bursting at the seams, piercing through the darkness, one shot at a time. A fire blazing in the wild we were...Scorching Hot. fierce. Enticing. Nostalgic yet so necessary. There were elements in our lives, many unspoken, that was cold and needed to be set on fire and we did that for each other.      I keep going back in my head of how or when things got so bad...So many things I want to tell you, so many things I should have told you before now. They all make writing this even more harder. There's never been a moment where things have gotten too bad for us not to run to one another! You were one of the few who knew what writing meant to me. You were the eye onto my pages, ears to my sound, and the eager heart always receiving whatever I put out. So, to write something today knowing you'll never have the opportunity to read it or hear me recite to you, kills me all over again.   You believed in me in moments and spaces I saw none to extract. You studied materials you'd never heard of, stayed up late nights, and soothed me with massages, all in efforts of supporting my vision(s). I miss you rapping and singing song after song, cooking, and the way you would bite your nails as you submerged in your thoughts. If only I could have you back, just to gaze into your eyes once more and feel your warm embrace.  So today, I sit here filled with so much regret and anger. I'm angry because I feel like I wasn't there when you needed me most. Regretful because I didn't cherish you enough, remind you how much I loved you, and for the times I didn't manage my anger properly and spoke to your darkness instead of being the light you needed. It's hard to accept all the revelations I have gotten now because it's like a reminder of wrong you can't right. However, I pray you knew how much I loved you & STILL LOVE YOU! I pray you knew I only wanted you to be the best version of yourself despite what others or society said about you. I was fortunate enough to see your potential and relentless desire for success early on.      Looking back, I think that's what made some of the later years a bit harder to bear. I loved you for you but I loved who you'd become even more. Mainly why I rode you so hard, even in times you needed my nurture more than my deprivation. For you, it took a little longer to embrace. Your success was like a kid seeing their Christmas present in October but having to wait two months to be able to enjoy it. You become anxious because you know it's there but you can't have it yet so what's meant for you begins to taunt you rather than affirm you. Understand, it's hard to affirm something or someone who sees the potential of a gift yet lack the wherewithal to access it or stand strong until manifestation.      Losing you was the hardest thing I've ever had to endure. We had become a constant variable in each others' lives --no matter how chaotic, dysfunctional, crazy. We were not just soul mates but friends. You understood the depths of me, the most closed-off intimate pieces, of me and still loved them. Granted that came with a few "Paris you make me sick, but I love yo crazy ahh" or a call to Chest, "man Paris crazy but I love her." You see, you would always remind me even in the heat of a moment that no act was bigger than the love we shared. Many acts would/did occur over the years that yielded in some painful debris but that didn't mean we weren't meant to be. I mean who else was gonna tolerate my random angry "yard sales" or your random "flips" lol. I was riding whether you were Jim or Bobby; shining or struggling. In some situations, it may have been moronic but the heart wants what it wants. You see, we were able to recognize and embark on the heart of God-- love     Although love is beautiful, I loved you to such capacity I subconsciously made you an idol. I embedded who I was in with who you were, who we were together. It is because of this I was left empty.. even with the beautiful life we created looking back to me. I dethroned the one who was gracious enough to even allow you to enter my life, to begin with. We tend to get so caught up in our own ideas, desires, and perceptions that we forget we are ALL on borrowed time anyway. I do not regret any of it because you helped me see that true love is indeed unconditional but also proved that it is detrimental when we love outside of the parameters God has set. Doing this will always result in operating at a deficit, which is contradictory to the abundant life that was freely given.   I write this letter not to paint an image that we were without flaw (because on the contrary, we were toxic at times) or regurgitate all the hurt I still feel; BUT to take that hurt and properly use it for honor. For so long I thought by living my life, by letting you go, and being who you always told/believed I was to be was a sign of me not loving you, being loyal, forgetting, or dishonoring your legacy. Now I see that killing myself, it's not just unfair to me but an injustice to our son, the people God has assigned to me,  and to you to truly rest in peace. Holding on is easy, this release is the most disheartening. There's minute solace in knowing you never wanted me to be down in the dumps, but bold and full of life.  For that, I'll honor you in other ways, beginning with writing again but posting for others. Spreading the love we shared in hopes of igniting someone else. Seeing life through a new lens. Turning pain into power and trading tragedy for triumph. Here's to ten years, beautiful children, a rich legacy, and A WILL TO LIVE!!  I love you forever, Jimmy Stanton! #WarriorEffect

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